The Hidden Cost of Success

Corey Wilks, Psy.D. (: 00:00

Have you ever wondered why so many successful people seem miserable even though they're super successful? One reason is super simple. They didn't realize there's a hidden cost of success. Here's what you need to know about it so you can become successful without becoming miserable. Buyers remorse. It's something we've all experienced at some point in our lives. It happens when reality doesn't live up to our expectations. When the thing we thought we wanted doesn't actually bring the satisfaction or happiness we thought it

but it doesn't just happen over a pair of expensive shoes, a fancy car, or the latest tech gadget we thought would solve all of our problems. Buyers' remorse also happens when we achieve success, because it's not just the price you pay to achieve success, it's the price you pay after achieving success. Most of us never think about what the successful version of the thing we're chasing actually looks like. This is why so many people who achieve success

feel empty or overwhelmed because they didn't actually want everything that came with success. Sometimes becoming a bestselling author, renowned course creator or beloved celebrity isn't actually the kind of success we want. Here's what I mean. One of the most powerful questions I use before committing to a project or idea is do I want the successful version of this? I started using this question after I realized I didn't actually want to succeed as a psychologist.

See, it took me about 12 years to get my doctorate to become a psychologist. But success as a psychologist means eventually becoming the director of behavioral health for some medical clinic. It would have meant drowning in administrative bullshit, endless staff meetings, eventually becoming president of my state psychological association, and leading mind-numbingly boring presentations so that other psychologists could check off a box.

to get enough continuing education credits to maintain their license. And then hitting an income ceiling around age 40, regardless of how great I ever became at my job, it would have been my living nightmare. But one man's nightmare is another man's dream. My internship supervisor was the director of behavioral health. One time I caught him in the hallway, dancing and smiling to himself. Know what he was doing? Making fucking copies of a therapy manual.

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This dude legitimately loved all the administrative work that came with his job. He's now the CEO of a big time medical company and he's thriving. If I was in his situation, I'd be ready to jump out of a fucking window. JK, unless it was like a ground level window that was already open. For him, he wanted the successful version of being a psychologist. I didn't, but I almost realized it too late, which we'll get more into that here in a minute. But this question of

Do I want the successful version of this can help us think through whether the path we're currently on is leading to a destination we actually want to get to? Because it's easy to get caught up in the prestige of arriving, but lose sight of what the day-to-day reality of that success actually looks like. Like I said, most of us only ever think about the price we have to pay to achieve success, but not the price we have to pay after achieving success. So for example,

Maybe you want to become a best-selling author. Cool. After grinding it out and spending years crafting your book, you achieve success. Congratulations. Now comes the lack of privacy and constant requests to make an appearance that come with celebrity, the army of trolls in your comments, and the nagging insecurity that your next book might not be as good because now people are expecting more from you. Do you really want the successful version of this? You might.

Just be aware of the price you have to pay for success. Or maybe you wanna build a thriving membership community or course that generates six to seven figures in revenue a year. Awesome, let's say you do just that. Have you thought about how much time it'll take on a day-to-day basis to actually run something like that? Either you spend tons of time managing everything yourself, or you have to hire people to help you.

So now maybe you're no longer living the carefree solopreneur lifestyle you dreamed about. Instead, you're mired in logistics, managing employees, and you've effectively created a full-time job for yourself. If this is your dream job, then go for it. If not, then maybe reconsider how big you want to scale your current business. Maybe you want to build a community with thousands of people, like David Perrell has with Rite of Passage. Or maybe you'd rather build a mastermind capped at around 35 people.

Corey Wilks, Psy.D. (: 04:44

like my friend Mel Varghese. Both are viable. It's just a matter of which success you actually want to achieve. Or maybe you want to become a successful actor. Being a famous actor sounds awesome until you have a family and realize you have to spend 12 hours a day, five days a week on set and away from your family during filming. Then you have to travel for months on end promoting it.

Here's a clip of a great conversation from the Armchair Expert podcast between Dak Shepard and Jake Johnson, AKA Nick from New Girl, on this exact dilemma. All of a sudden being on a TV show, being 12 hours, five days a week felt insane. Yes. As opposed to before. was like, I want another take and it's also kind of a party and it's fun. The all of us 14 hours, five days a week with commuting to do 22 minutes. I'm missing out on these hours. No. Drove me insane.

Yes. But it's also, that's been now a big change. So since then I'm like, I don't think of jobs. I don't think of anything because if the old win of our careers is now a loss. Yeah. A hundred percent. So I had that, that huge shift of if I continue to do my business and I win and I win the thing that I was trying to win at 20, then I am going to lose at home because I cannot really be their dad the way I need to be their dad and not be here.

Yeah, it's different on FaceTime. It's different for a weekend and then you're gone for two months. Then you're there for a week. What does that mean? I had a big moment with my agent while I was doing let's be cops. My agents came in town and they said like great and I said we need to have a strategy talk because I've been working non stop and it's either the TV or a movie and if I'm not doing those I'm doing press. Somebody break down the bigger goal. Right, right. Where are we heading? And they said well here's where you're headed.

You do a movie like this so that it hits so that you can do a movie and you could be your own. You don't even need Damon. go, I like having Damon. And they're like, no, I know, but he can do his own. You can do your own. And I go, but for eight months of the year, I'm doing the TV show. So you're saying.

Corey Wilks, Psy.D. (: 06:43

I would do a movie like this so that I can do six months of press for this so that I can do a bigger movie that now I'm the only guy in the poster. So that then I can go back to the TV show so that the next summer I can be in an even bigger movie so I can even do more press. Now we get to talk wonderful things like international press. So you can send me all around the world to sell somebody else's vacuum with my face on it. That maybe in a good deal, they'll give me some backend, but I'll have to beg for it. And I was like, it's not working. This is not for me.

And the thing was, all right, then what's for you? And that then became the discussion of like, well, I don't know. I'd never thought of that. And then you go, all right, well, what do you want to do? And at the time I was like, I want to slow down. While Jake Johnson recalibrated what success meant to him, Dwayne Johnson takes a different approach and fully embraces all aspects of being a celebrity. I get asked this question a lot or a variation of this question. And the question is about fame.

And specifically, the question was, what are the benefits of fame and what are the drawbacks of fame? We'll start with the drawbacks first. So for me, the drawbacks are there are no drawbacks to fame. I have been a lucky son of a bitch to have been famous for a long time. And I realized that there are no drawbacks to fame because I remember how shit once was back in the day. The alternative to fame is not being famous.

And I couldn't pay the rent. was struggling to figure out who I was. I was broke as fuck. So I keep all of that. I tried my best to keep all of that in the forefront of my mind. So I always keep it close. So it gives me good perspective. The greatest benefit to fame is being able to impact people in a positive way around the world. For me, that is the greatest benefit of fame. Hands down, mic drop, that's it.

When I lost my therapy job in: 2020

Corey Wilks, Psy.D. (: 09:11

AKA mental illness, I use my skills to coach, to build courses, and to create content to help people like you reach their potential. I'm way more fulfilled now than I ever would have been on the other path that I was on. But it's not just me. Paul Millard quit a fancy lucrative career at a big name leadership consulting firm. He embraced the digital nomad life. Then he self-published a book called The Pathless Path that sold tens of thousands of copies since it came out.

He's way happier, way more fulfilled, and is legitimately improving other people's lives by showing them there's another way to go about life, what he calls the pathless path, which is the name of his book. And on his podcast, he's had amazing guests like Derek Sivers, Kevin Kelly, and many others. Opportunities he attracted by quote unquote quitting the path he was originally on. Kay He took a similar approach. Kay quit a fancy job on Wall Street.

Because in his words, big motivation to leave Wall Street was looking at peers who were 15 years older than me. They had a great life, second homes, cars, fancy vacations, but it wasn't for me. Not only did many look haggard, drank a lot, and had dicey relationships with their spouse and kids, they were still prisoners to emails, to meetings, and the need to always be on. And Kay's got a lot of great content around walking away from close to a million dollars at his old job.

Now K spends his time being a kick-ass dad, suave surfer, and all-around rad dude. This is what he wants the successful version of, not being a Wall Street zombie. All three of us, along with everyone else who's chosen the path of a creator, will tell you the same thing. Being a creator is full of doubt, uncertainty, and a constant struggle to get out of your own way. But it's also full of freedom, creativity, and the ability to inspire others.

to build a fulfilling life on their terms. Do we want the successful version of being a creator? For me at least, the answer is, fuck yes. Success isn't a static, isolated state. Success is an ever evolving, multifaceted, complex interconnectedness of deep existential identity issues, interpersonal dynamics, and constantly reconsidering and renegotiating the balance between

Corey Wilks, Psy.D. (: 11:36

enough and more, which is why each of us has to decide what success we actually want to achieve. It doesn't matter how long you've been dedicated to a specific life or career path. You're under no obligation to stay on that path. It doesn't matter how big your paycheck is, if it costs your soul. It doesn't matter if everyone around you criticizes your decision. If none of them have a life you'd gladly trade places with.

You and only you get to decide what success means to you, what success you actually want to achieve and what success you want to avoid achieving because success has two costs. The price we pay to achieve it and the price we pay after achieving it. So be sure you actually want the successful version of whatever it is you're pursuing because you just might get it and you don't want

buyer's remorse. If you want more deep dives into psychology, online business, and content creation, consider checking out the Critter Alchemy newsletter. New issues go out each week, and it's completely free to join. Check out the link in the description for more. Until next time, take it easy.