What's Hiding Behind Your Self-Sabotaging Behaviors?

Corey Wilks, Psy.D. (: 00:00

Here's the thing about self-sabotaging behaviors. No matter how destructive they are or how bad we want to stop them, we still do them for a specific reason, even if we are not consciously aware of what that reason is. And until we understand what that reason is, we can't really start to overcome them. So if you struggle with things like perfectionism, procrastination, imposter syndrome, shiny object syndrome, this should help you today. So let's get started. So one of the things that a lot of psychologists do to help people understand

with their behaviors is we do what's called a functional analysis. It sounds fancy, really isn't. All we really do is we look at a given behavior and we say, what purpose, what function does this serve? Well, the issue with a lot of self-sabotaging behaviors is that they typically serve the function to help us avoid something that we're afraid of, some sort of friction or resistance we're experiencing. And specifically with the Four Horsemen of Fear, which are the most common limiting beliefs that tend to hold us back,

which are fear of failure, fear of ridicule, fear of uncertainty, and fear of success. These self-sabotaging behaviors typically serve the function to help us avoid one of those fears. So then the way to understand these and then hopefully overcome them is to do a functional analysis. So here's what this looks like. So let's say you struggle with procrastination, for example. You've probably looked up all the productivity tips and advice, and it probably hasn't worked at all. There's a reason for that. It isn't your fault.

It's productivity advice typically only serves like the symptoms. It don't really only deals with like the symptom level, like the surface level issues. It doesn't typically deal with the root cause, right? A lot of times when we procrastinate, yeah, I could teach you how to do an Eisenhower matrix or how to time block or how to 80, 20, and all these things are great. But if fundamentally you are afraid of something, then all the Eisenhower matrices and all the other productivity hacks and shit aren't really going to help you.

because fundamentally your issue is fear and not actually procrastination. You're actually dealing with your fear by procrastinating. And here's what I mean. If I am fundamentally, let's say I'm writing an article and I am deeply afraid of ridicule, this fear of ridicule is coming up. I'm afraid that other people are gonna judge me if I hit publish and I put myself and my ideas out into the world. Well what that means is the longer I procrastinate,

Corey Wilks, Psy.D. (: 02:25

The longer I drag my feet and I postpone hitting publish, the longer I can avoid risking facing this ridicule. Okay, procrastination isn't my issue. Procrastination is actually helping me because I'm afraid. The longer I procrastinate, the longer I can avoid this fear inducing thing that may or may not happen. I don't know if it's gonna happen, but because I'm afraid it's gonna happen, I basically do everything I can to avoid that thing happening.

So the real question when it comes to something like procrastination, the self-sabotaging behavior of procrastination, the question isn't, how can I stop procrastinating? The question is, what function does procrastination serve in this moment? What am I potentially trying to avoid that this is facilitating that avoidance? Perfectionism and imposter syndrome are really similar, so like with perfectionism. A lot of people think that...

perfectionism is their issue because they're like, I just, have a really high bar for quality. I'm a perfectionist. You're bullshitting yourself. Everybody has a high bar for quality for themselves and the work they put out there. That's just, it is what it is. Perfectionism is when you have an unrealistic expectation of the work you put out before you're willing to publish it or launch the thing, right? Because perfection is unattainable, right? Like nothing in life is perfect. So perfectionism is expecting yourself to attain

the unattainable, which is why if you actually struggle with perfectionism, you probably don't actually get much done. Well, what does perfectionism serve? What function does it serve? If I am afraid fundamentally of failure, so then I endlessly research, I endlessly tinker, right? I'll just, it isn't good enough yet, it isn't good enough yet. I can't launch my product. I can't launch this MVP.

I can't publish this article or this video because it might not be good enough. It might not work. It might fail. Well, perfectionism isn't your problem. Fear is. Your perfectionism serves the function to help you avoid the thing you're afraid of. Failing, making the wrong decision could also be ridicule, could even be success, right? Each of us struggle with one of the four horsemen of fear in our own ways. And any self-sabotaging behavior we struggle with tends to serve the function to help us avoid

Corey Wilks, Psy.D. (: 04:42

one of these horsemen. Imposter syndrome is the same thing. Imposter syndrome fundamentally is a belief that you don't belong in the room. But what fear is that rooted in? It's rooted typically in a fear of ridicule. If I enter this room, everyone already in that room is going to think I'm not good enough, I'm not smart enough, I don't belong there. And because that is my fear, I let my imposter syndrome serve the function to prevent me from.

hitting publish from putting myself out there, from entering that room. And then there's complacency, which is, you or laziness, right? I hear that a lot from people like, I'm just, super lazy and I'm really trying to, to overcome it. I'm just, I'm so complacent. I've, I've tried all the productivity, you know, bullshittery. Here's the thing. A lot of people are so afraid of so many things. They're so afraid of taking chances because they're so afraid of what might happen if they take the chance. So for a lot of people,

It's just easier to quote unquote settle and to convince yourself you don't want that thing. To convince yourself you don't care. Or to convince yourself, yeah well, I didn't really try. That's a bullshit excuse. Like yeah, you know, I really wanted to do that thing, but you know I didn't. Honestly I didn't give it much effort. I'm sure that if I would have given it effort, I could have probably done it. That's complacency. That's a bullshit excuse.

that you effectively saying, I was too afraid to put myself and my ideas out there, I let fear hold me back. But I tried to tell myself to convince myself I didn't actually want that thing. I didn't actually try very hard. Complacency isn't your issue. Complacency is serving the function to help you avoid the thing you're afraid of. This is why all of this is why very, very little productivity advice is actually helpful if fundamentally your issue is fear.

A lot of productivity tips are great, but they're not great if you're afraid. Your issue isn't a lack of productivity. Your issue is an abundance of fear. So, okay, in the first part, we talked about the four horsemen of fear, the most common limiting beliefs that hold us back. And then today, we've talked about how the four horsemen of fear hide in our self-sabotaging behaviors, how our self-sabotaging behaviors serve the function to help us avoid our fears. So then the next logical question is, okay, Cory, what the hell do I do

Corey Wilks, Psy.D. (: 07:01

to overcome these fears, to overcome these self-sabotaging behaviors. And that is what we're gonna talk about next. So check out this video and we'll dive into how you can actually start to overcome the Four Horsemen of Fear and the self-sabotaging behaviors they hide in. I'll see you there.